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Layered Loss; Navigating The Depths of Grief

June 14, 2024•2 min read

“People with disabilities, trauma, illenss and other past grief can be carrying a lot of repressed sadness.” - Sarah M

Layers of Grief:

My Dad died a few weeks ago, and as we all know grief and memories can hit you at any time.

I wanted to write about this because people with disabilities, illnesses, trauma history and other past grief can be carrying a lot of repressed sadness a lot of the time.

Sitting in a cafe, having a coffee, I was thinking that I wasn't sure why I ordered the muffin I had decided not to have. When I sat down and looked at it I thought of my Dad. He loved a bit of cake and a cup of tea or coffee. I remember old fashioned coffee which was a teaspoon of instant and 2 sugars (later in life this would become a latte with 2 sweeteners for him). It hit me then that we would not share a cuppa or a piece of cake again.

Coffee and cake aren't the worst coping strategy short term

Something that came into my body and then my mind was getting told that my son had Down Syndrome when he was a few days old, and the grief my Dad felt. "How could God do this to you?" he asked. "Of course God would choose me Dad", I said. "Where else would he rather put this baby?" And that was that. Dad was OK with it from that day on. He felt sorry for me from time to time, but he was OK.

When my husband went into hospital then sprang into my mind. Then a couple of bad things that happened when I was young. I had to stop the grief and trauma train, and brighten myself up. Not from being sad about Dad - that's expected and part of the grief cycle - but these other things can't always have a place in my day to day life (I wouldn't cope).

The reminder is to get support and take time to process it. If you have experienced a lot of grief and trauma before, there may be more underneath that you expect. And if you push this down and try and crack on too early, all that grief can gang up on you when you least expect it.

Bessel Van Der Kolk's book The Body Keeps the Score describes how trauma can store itself in the body if you don't process it. Grief is traumatic. Grief piles on grief. Which may explain physical illness, sore muscles, headaches, and a sense of being disassociated or looking to numb the pain with food, drink, tech or drugs (coffee and cake isn't the worst coping strategy short term).

I am doing OK, because I am healthy, supported and taking the time I need to process.

Sarah Munn

Sarah Munn is an AHPRA Registered Occupational Therapist who has worked in health and education for over 30 years. Sarah is also an Animal Assisted Therapist and is the owner, CEO and clinical leader for Barefoot Therapists and Gadara Farm. Sarah specializes in working with parents on understanding neurodiversity, developmental disabilities and trauma to make family life more rewarding and joyful. Sarah has Autism, ADHD and PTSD and lives with her children who are also neurodivergent. Sarah has walked barefoot in many of her family’s shoes and has incredible empathy and understanding of client journeys and everyday challenges. She is also trained in Meditation, Trauma Sensitive Yoga and Reiki. Sarah has included animals, nature and farm work in the development and implementation of therapy programs since 2012 and is a leading occupational therapist teaching in this sector. Sarah supports therapists and educators to assess and train horses for therapy practice, and is competent in the use of Permaculture, Equiculture and Horticulture Therapy. Sarah blends a lifetime of lived experiences, clinical and personal learnings to bring a rich and enjoyable pathway for families, therapists and educators. She has created these amazing educational offerings with her Barefoot Therapists team of professionals including Occupational Therapists, Speech Pathologists, Art Therapists, Teachers and Dieticians. You can work directly with Sarah on her individual and small group coaching programs or access our online video courses. Feel free to browse through the learning options whether you are looking for possibilities and growth in your caring and supporting role as a parent, carer or professional.

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BOOK REVIEWS

Hagitude by Sharon Blackie

One of my less evidence-based and more woo woo choices which I recommend to people who are in the depths of the despair we call peri-menopausal, or heading into the more mature years.

Hagitude talks of the wisdom and acceptance of older age as women, and tells the myths and stories that surround us. Often as mothers we have our kids with additional needs at home longer, or forever. And unlike other kids still hanging around at home into their thirties and moving in with their partners, even having babies, some of our kids won't do that. They may not work, or have a purposeful activity every day, they may not drive, or be independent at home.

In these circumstances, that quest for self, for the sense of identity that we lost, for the search and essence of who we are, this acceptance and finding oneself in the greying years can be a magical transformation.

And the story telling in this book is a helpful and interesting addition.

The Well Gardened Mind by Sue Stuart-Smith

This book is an intelligent review of the history of gardening. It has recollections of famous psychologists and artists and the affect that gardens, nature and gardening had on their lives.

From Freud to Winnicott these stories remind us of the inherent nature of gardening within the life of human beings, and the positive and mindful properties of beauty, flowers and the pant, grow, harvest and cycle.

Stuart-Smith takes us back to the first world war and the gardens built among the rubble of the trenches, and to the elderly who cling on to their window boxes and pots to stay present when there is not much time ahead of them.Her addition of photos including, ironically, Freud on his bed in the garden, provide a strong visual to the stories and accounts in the book.

I loved this book for its inspiration to remember that gardening is intrinsically mindful and meditative. There are great examples of garden design which I can include when we make our gardens at the new farm.

I want to create safe spaces where people can feel both safe, protected and free, and Stuart-Smith provides good impetus for this. I want to create spaces where mindfulness will be easier, and where we can engage in activities which allow us to be present. Personally this book reminded me to get outside and get dirt under my finger nails.

A great benefit for me on days when I find meditation difficult due to dissociation which I sometimes experience. I will certainly get my boys in the garden for mindfulness as much as I can. As they get older their interest in my ideas is fading and their own passions take over. But this book reminded me to persist with having them gardening, however dorky and boring they may find it.

Because this is sometimes more accessible than a seated meditation.

Letting Go - The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins M.D., Ph.D.

This is a big book in so many ways. It is often referenced, packed with ‘aha’ moments and one of the cornerstones of this kind of modern thinking into our own process of letting go.

If you are working on letting feelings come up, noticing them, not judging them, and learning to let them go, then this is a good addition to your reading list.

Some parts I was a bit, ‘yes I already know this’, but then I would find myself thinking ‘Oh Gosh, that’s me, I can do that differently and get a more peaceful result.’

Well worth practicing these techniques if this kind of thinking suits your mindset. I would be surprised if many people didn’t take something away from this book. But it is long and maybe a good one for an audiobook road trip.

The Language of Archetypes by Caroline Myss

I loved romping through this 12 hour audiobook packed full of archetypes, mystery and magic. Not to mention historical characters, Queens and Goddesses, I now recognise as part of who I am.

If you like pure evidence-based, scientific information this definitely is not for you!But if you don’t mind suspending disbelief a bit, it is quite entertaining and is delivered in the form of her live workshops. Archetypes date back to Plato and were popularised in psychology by Carl Jung.

Caroline adds some modernisation to it all by extending beyond Jung’s 4 and 12, but I wonder if it waters down the pure form too much. Caroline has a quirky manner which is very straight forward.I love her and think it’s hilarious. A touch of that autistic witchy no-nonsense about her.

I can imagine she would irritate some people though.If you want to find out if she is for you she has a lot of short YouTube videos on archetypes you can start off with. I loved it, but I also took it with a pinch of curios, comedic salt.

Acknowledgement to Country

We Respect and Acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of Country throughout Australia and their connections to the land, sea and community, and recognise the land on which we work is home to the Bunurong / Boon Wurrung members of the Kulin Nation. We pay our respects to all Elders past, present & future.

We meet the required standards for Insurance and Education.